*sigh*

One of the topics this week is "how is school influencing your life?" Well, if you really want to know...

So I literally had a meltdown over a project that was due last week in my honor's A & P class, because on top of it I wasn't understanding the material. I feel like every other question or paragraph contradicts itself, and I was struggling hard-core trying to figure it out-plus this project didn't have very clear instructions as to how to complete it. Now the end of next week brings with it the due date of another project, and I'm trying to behave. I am doing my project on the skeletal system, and this unit deals with the skeletal system, so I need to calm down, focus, and pay attention. Right. Ever since I started school, my husband was unemployed and although I was not just doing my own homework but also helping my son with his, I really had it easy. If I needed to go do my work, I just got up and did it. If I wanted to wake up early and do it first thing in the morning, I could but didn't have to. The whole day was mine. I have a 4.0 and I may have worked my butt off for it, but now that he's working all of the time, I've gone back to being a contortionist trying to get things done. I have to get up early, get Justin ready for work and Tristen ready for school, put Tristen on the bus, make the girls breakfast and play with them until Tristen gets home four hours later, make them all lunch, then shoo them into their room for a few hours to play and nap so that I can get my work done. Then they're up for a snack, we have to start dinner, and somewhere in there I must find time to clean the kitchen and get them to clean the living room and their rooms. I refuse to cook in a dirty kitchen, so I usually have a lot of work to do. By the time Justin gets home and we've eaten dinner, I feel like way too exhausted to do anything else, but Mondays I have class at ten and Thursdays I have class at eight, and then I find myself staying up until midnight or later trying to do notes and quizzes-either my own or assigned ones-and maybe catch up oin the discussion boards or something. This has led my discussion responses, especially in A & P, to sound unintelligent, rude, even way off topic on occasion. That's not who I am at all, so it has become especially discouraging to me.

Another thing is that Mikki, my sister, wants me to go out with her recently. She just got her car together and she's 18 (a full nine years younger than me), and she's wanting to go out and do things, but she always wants me to come with her. We are best friends, and she feels like my kids are just as importatn to her as they are to me. She's very responsible and level-headed, but she also needs me sometimes. I feel an overwhelming urge to be there for her always because of what a huge p.o.s. our mother is, but she isn't totally grasping that I am struggling with school right now and can't always-even on weekends-go and hang out like we used to. She'll thank me when, in a few years, I'm buying a house instead of renting an apartment or trailer, and there is either finally enough room for her or another guest-house -type thing there for her, so that she can still be here with us and have her freedom at the same time.

To round everything out, I feel like sometimes if I don't keep myself physically busy enough, I'm going to feel all my muscles and fascia and joints and the headaches...general pain all over my body that is relentless. I have gotten used to some of these pains but not all of them, and the ones in my back and shoulders and wrists present themselves while I am hunched over this computer doing all of this typing and searching. I've gained probably 15 pounds over the past several mmonths, and I am supposed to be losing weight not gaining it. I am desperately seeking suggestions as to how to accomplish everything I need to get done, but everyone in my family literally believes me to be a super-heroine that can absolutely do all of the chores, the cooking, take care of everyone's needs, go out and hang out with random high-school-aged kids at a ball game or party or other social event, spending time with my husband to keep our marriage together, and complete this degree with a 4.0-while keeping my sanity? Either I am going nuts or they are. I ask for help and they go "oh, you're doing fine, honey-don't worry about it." Yet they are the first people to come to me and ask where their favorite shirt is or why dinner isn't made yet, or "how come we can't go outside and play? We don't need anyone to watch us!" (they're six, 2, and 1!). I thought this post would only take five or so minutes, but it is now 10:02 am and I started at 8:43 am. I hear Dannen and Tristen going at it like wild animals, and it's ridiculous. Tristen has been home from school for the past several days because he has walking pneumonia and strep throat-something we wouldn't have known about until he started having problems with his teeth. His baby teeth-the two front ones on the bottom-are still there, not wiggling or anything-and his primary teeth have cut the gum. He tells us his teeth hurt, and I look and see this-a couple hours later, he's running a fever of 105.2 degrees F and so I thought they were abscessed or something. I had been trying the entire time to find a dentist that would accept both our insurance and someone his age, but no luck. So I called his doctor, and after examining him tells me that he has walking pneumonia. Jim Henson died from this, I remember clearly because that is what the doctor told us when my dad almost did. Then she runs a strp culture and finds out that he also has strep throat. This kid is never sick. Plus Dannen's MRDD/EIS specialist and Help Me Grow come over on a bi-weekly basis, and the other day they came over really early and I forgot they were coming, so the house was trashed and Dannen peed the bed, so she wreaked the entier time they were here. At least they were nice enough not to say anything, but I'm at a loss for words at this point. My husband was back here playing on the computer and I was trying to clean and talk to them, and I finally smelled her as soon as they were about to leave. I was absolutely embarrassed. But I had this class that night before, and I just felt brain dead that morning from being up all night. I am exhausted all the time, I feel like I am neglecting my kids and my chores, I don't get to do anything for myslef anymore, and I still feel like I'm behind with my schoolwork. That's how it's affecting my life right now.

At least I know that the reward, the carrot dangling in front of my face right now, Is worth it. No more being poor, no more staying at home and the days running together and not rememebring what month it is, no more being picked on by the Parent-Teacher Organization (yeah, it's the PTO here, not the PTA) for being so helpful last year, why can't I be this year? because my butt is going to be up in that hospital and working hard. We'll have a house and not have to live with my mother-in-law anymore, we'll be able to pay for the kids' school fees and we'll actually be able to pay a baby-sitter so that we can go out and do something together-me and Justin, me and Mikki, or just me. That is what keeps me going. If the kids need something, I can get it. If they want to have birthday presents, I can get it. I will be able to have a normal life, and that's what I am doing this for, so I guess I'm stressed but it is worth it. Still, it might be nice to have something to try and cut the stress back a little bit.

~Katie~