I Had a GREAT 28th Birthday Yesterday

Well, here are the pictures of Mikki and I with our new haircuts, Professor Tolen. I did tell you that I had planned to post them up here, and you said you wanted to see them-I've had a long several weeks recently, not to mention the "condition" I have currently.

So my birthday was yesterday (Saturday, 2/27). I turned 28-another year closer to death, I suppose. But ever since last year, I have a new appreciation for my birthday. See, I do what I can around here by being the most ridiculously unselfish person you could possibly imagine. I don't ask for anything that I don't absolutely need, and even then I do whatever I can to wait until it's affordable. I put my kids, my Mikki, and my husband first ALWAYS. But it does kind of feel really nice when I have just this one day that I can say "I'd like to go out to eat," or "I wish I didn't have to wait for the library to have this book so I could read it," or "I really wish that I could just play this game, but I have to buy it first," and, my personal favorite, "I wish that I wasn't the only person in this house that knows how to put away laundry and do the dishes" and just like that, "poof!" I have what I want. I can never sleep past five hours at a time, no matter what I do, but it would've been the only other thing that I would have asked for (to get a little more sleep!) Oh, and to have Justin be home all day rather than after five.

Last year, he spoiled me so rotten that it was ridiculous. He bought me calla lilies, got me some new dishes and silverware and an electric can opener with a built in knife sharpener, some new clothes, and this gorgeous necklace with all of these pretty charms-one said "big sister," one was a butterfly, and one was a fairy. He also got a second necklace free with the purchase of another charm, he said-so he got Mikki one that said "little sister" on it so that we could wear them together. Then he took the kids out of the house for a few hours so I could get a nap, and when I woke up the house was mostly clean and Mikki was there to babysit all three kids for us so that Justin could take me out for the night. We got an awesome hotel suite, which I never had been in more than a $30/night motel room before, so it was awesome. Jacuzzi, champagne-the whole nine. It was my special birthday, after all-I turned 27 on the 27th, and we did get a tax return the weekend before for several thousand dollars. On the one hand, I had no qualms with never returning home again after sleeping in that bed. I didn't need pain meds in the morning, and I felt so relaxed and refreshed that I thought I might no longer amongst the living. At the same time, I could never get used to that. It was nice, but it was awkward. I am not the type of person that takes this sort of thing lightly, or in stride. Do I miss that bed and that jacuzzi? OF COURSE! But I told him flat out that I don't think he should ever do that again. He understands, but he said he had to try.

This year, we went to my favorite dive for dinner-a place that is literally a hole-in-the-wall little restaurant located in a town that is not even a mile radius. This place was my kitchen when Justin was gone, driving over-the-road for some company back when it was the only way that a truck driver could make money during the winter months. Dannen was only a few months old, Tristen was just 4, and what was the point in cooking? I would call these guys up and ask them to make me something yummy, and then I'd drive down the hill (it was winter and I had two little kids with me) to pick it up. We did this at least three nights a week, and they started to get so close to us that no matter what I ordered, it was only $5-even if it was $25 worth of food-and they would send the waiter up to drop it off to me every night but Fridays. Since we haven't lived there in a few years, I didn't expect the lovely treatment that we got last night. My friend Jojo, Justin, and I went and they remembered me instantly. They charged us $15 for $70 worth of food, and the waiter that used to make a special trip for me 2 nights a week came by frequently to talk to us. The dishwasher went down to the Kroger's and got me a slice of cake and sang to me, and then because I told people on facebook that I was going to be there-well, that little dive was pretty crowded with friends well after closing time. It was my definition of the best time I've ever had-at least in a very, very long time.

And then there were all of the birthday wishes from my facebook friends and family and classmates..... It was overwhelming. I felt like a loved person yesterday. What a wonderful day!!!

Unit 8

Hello all,

Well, this blog is going to take a precedent from our assignment page this week. How do I feel about the lack of comment? The way I should, I suppose. I had been commenting on others' blogs, but the favor has not been returned-on either end. I suspect that, although just about everyone had complained about no one following them, that they didn't actually care to begin with. I think that theyare most likely just doing this to get through the class-when others obviously care about their voice, yet no one wants to play along. I have three kids, I have a husband, I have responsibilitites, I have a disease that puts me in pain 95% of the time and fatigues me until I don't want anything to do with anyone or any thing, and a strict teacher for A & P and I most recently became obsessed with a book and had a life-saving surgery as well as some serious life-alterning news, yet I found the time to check in on others and to make responses that I felt were conducive to their thoughts and hopefully inspiring them to continue. Yet the only comments I have recieved so far have come from the teacher. Is it disheartening? Yes, of course it is. That I poured out my heart a little at a time to help others in our class get to know me, and hoped to get to know them as well, only to be looked over as if I were boring them. However, can I understand that my class mates have things that they consider more important to them, that they feel it is time wasted to read me? I suppose I can.

After all, it's not easy to be me, and sometimes I wished that I didn't have to do this. I figure that it is too easy for me to allow major slips, letting everyone in on what many would consider "character flaws," such as my irritation for ignorance, my bull-headedness, my choice to be a Wiccan rather than a Christian, my complete disgust for self-induced weaknesses or lack of independant thoughts. What would they think of me then? Is it not a "weakness" to worry about what others think of you? So you see, I have tons of internal dialogue that screams at me on a continual basis, that I am weak and I disgust myself. I can always do better, so what am I doing?

I wouldn't want you to see that, would I?

Between you and me, if there were a you, what does it matter? Why is it that a tiny little blog in a see of millions can be so intimidating? Why is it that we can't just embrace the assignments, rather than just "put up" with them to make it through the class? Why are we making it so difficult on ourselves?

Here's an idea: Pick something random in your life. Anything-one of your children, perhaps grandchildren (like Kathleen's), your pet, your car, your town, your nightly dreams, your real veiws on things (like Abbi's), your pain and anguish in the unfairness of the position you are put into (like Trista's)-ANYTHING. Now, tell me about it. What, do you think I'm laughing? Didn't I just announce PUBLICLY my stepping out from within the proverbial "broom closet?" Get serious! It doesn't have to be as deeply personal or convincing as others', just something hearfelt and pure. Don't worry what others' thoughts on your own are, just do it. Then, when you're done, go to some of the links and click them-that is, your classmates' blogs-and read them. What will that take, five, possibly ten minutes? Read them, maybe two of them, and then at the end, post something for a comment. Start out with asking, "what is a nice thing to say to this person? How can I say 'good job?' " And then answer that question. That's it, quick and painless. Let someone know that you care enough about what they've said, even if you don't, to say "hey, nice job."

What if you don't think so, then? Then say it! "John, your grammar needs some work." "Jane Doe, your political views disturb me. I think..." "Mary, is this the most interesting thing you have to write about? Or are you just doing this to get by? I think you write very well-I wished that you'd try harder when I was reading...." Be enthusiastic and supportive, be honest but not brutal, and be real. I wonder if it wouldn't be so hard to do, if it were a mandatory assignment rather than a suggestion for you to encourage your classmates' work. Reciprocity has to begin somewhere, doesn't it?

Stick around, if you want-after today, this blog is about to get very real.

~Katie~

If anyone has been reading, then you'll maybe note that I mentioned that I would explain the mother-in-law situation this week. However, I'm in a good mood, so why ruin it? Really?

Instead, I'm going to talk about my newest infatuation-DO NOT LAUGH-Twighlight. Yeah, I'm going there. I recently had my appendix out and there were some, um, complications, so I had a small extended stay. And while confined to this white prison, I had nothing better to do than to read. My husband bought the first two installments of Twighlight for me from Half-Priced Books as a Valentine's Day gift, which I was delighted (don't get me wrong, I am easy to please), but I thought it was a little juvenille. My little sisters, both in high school at the time, were the ones that brought this story to my attention, giving me my arrogant attitude toward it. I should've have not judged the books by their, well, teen-aged followers.

The author of the Twighlight series, a woman named Stephanie Meyer, is an amazing talent, which (now knowing of her) I cannot imagine a world without. She definitely has an amazing imagination, a skill of drawing her audience in deeply, and a hopelessly romantic heart. The latter is something that I didn't realize how interesting it could be, because it's never been something I've cared about. I'm a pretty cut-and-dry, get to the point kind of person down inside myself. I had no idea what I was missing out on :)

The characters are so well thought out that, despite the fact that there are vampires and werewolves and a girl who is both in love with a vampire and best friends with the werewolf (yeah, like that could ever happen-we all know that vampires and werewolves hate each other, duh!) (lol), despite the so very obvious fiction, you can't help but get attached to each of the characters in some way or another. Finishing my read of the second installment, New Moon, (figuratively) killed me. It felt like I had lost contact with the very dearest of friends, with a part of my soul that I hadn't known existed. It feels like utter torture waiting for my turn at a copy of Eclipse and Breaking Dawn, the third and fourth books of the series (respectively). I cannot bring myslef to explain why, to give any sort of synopsis of this story, because I am truely grateful that no one had done that to me. It was so worth the wait.

Watching the movie was horrid, however. Both of the lead characters were just as I had pictured, but there were so many changes that it was sad. I imagine that is the way that it goes, yet I've never seen a Stephen King movie transformed in such a way. So many vital parts were dismembered, new things added that didn't belong. I have had my joy in reading renewed, thanks to this gifted author. I cannot brag on her talents enough, and what's worse, apparently no one in her circle can either.

Because I am human, and aching to know what happens next, I visited Ms. Meyer's website to find anything I could at all. This woman had posted an apology front and center of her website, citing that a person she had once trusted had taken an incomplete draft of a new book to be added to the series and posted it to the internet-one that she felt had to be written, and was now contemplating trashing it because of this. She posted this "partial draft" there on her site, and had mentioned something about how she wanted her readers to get it from her rather than out on the web someplace. Quite understandable. So I downloaded it. If you have read Twighlight at all then you know that the entire story reads through the eyes of the main character, Bella Swan. However, her main focus, Edward, had a story to tell, as well-and so she began to draft Midnight Sun for his sake. It took me two hours-TWO-to sit infront of my screen, nothing to eat or drink, no bathroom breaks. I had it read, all twelve chapters, in two hours. And, it is beyond amazing. All of the little holes in the story that I hadn't realized were there, had been filled in.

I swore that I was never going to jump on the Twighlight band wagon, that I couldn't see what all the hype was about. Then I read it. Now I'm among the millions and millions of fans that cannot be pulled away from this series. Please, no matter how much I ask-don't tell me what happens. As of Sunday, I am number six on the list from the library to be called for the copies of the third and fourth books, and it is agony waiting. In the meantime, I've found another of her novels, called The Host, which has nothing to do with my obsession, but it also has everything to do with it. It's not the books, it is the author. (That was my epiphany just now). Wow.

~Katie~

It's corny, I know-but it is Valentine's Day...

Hello all;

As I am writing this, I am back to the daily grind. I haven't had a minute for a shower or anything yet (I haven't had more than half of a turkey sandwich yet either, although I have been up since 7 am). I am still displaying the make-up on my face from last night, and the house is still a mess. But I am ok today, for the first time in a while.

Last night, Mikki did something really great for me by babysitting the kids for several hours while Justin and I "hung out." We ate at the Harrison Chipotle restaurant, we drove out to Colerain to the Half-Price Books store, where he bought us two CDs and I got Twighlight and New Moon (finally! and they were only $5 a piece!), and then we just drove around for awhile. We used to just drive, for hours sometimes, just the two of us driving around together for no other reason than "just because." We used to do a lot of things, driving being one of them. I used to get cabin fever if I didn't just "get out" and do something after a few hours or so. But ever since we had the kids, it's been different. And now, since Justin has gone back to work, I have been going to school, and we have such conflicting schedules with the kids-well, it's hard to deal with. We have not really had any sort of conversation in weeks that had any substance. We desperately needed a day to ourselves to spend some quality time together, but it's hopeless.

So we go out last night, and we both are silent for a good, long time. We both have tons of things to talk about, but where to begin? So I tell him, after about an hour of silence, "I know we have things to talk about, Justin! Why aren't we?" But I knew the answer very well.

We ground each other. We are and always have been best friends first, everything else second. And it turns out that we are both under so very much stress right now, and all we were going to wind up doing was causing each other more stress than what we needed to deal with. This was supposed to be a fun day for just the two of us, so why ruin it? That was our mentality. But the problem with that is that we didn't have anything else to talk about! So he asks the dreaded question: "Ok, well, how's school going, Katie? Tell me about it." *Sigh*

So I let loose about all of the things that are right now preventing me from being the 4.0 student that I have been since I started here. I explained to him about how the kids are driving me mad, about how I have no study time anymore, about how I miss him, and the stupid crap that his mother has been pulling on me (which I will save for my next post, there is no room for this here) and that all of this stress has been adding up to the point where if I crack open my book, I pass out. If I get to a point in which I start to understand something, or that I am in the middle of letting the information flow from my brain and into my writing project for my A & P class, I am severely interrupted. I am a wreck, and I am desperate for things to change. I am having such a hard time right now, and I don't know what to do. I am almost crying at this point, too, and I know he can tell that there is a major problem. But he doesn't speak, he just lets me do it. So I go on to talk about how he's my rock, he grounds me, and that because I have been having so many problems recently, coupled with my inability to interact with him on ANY level recently, I am falling apart right now. I am not taking calls anymore, I am not replying to emails or instant messages or anything. I am not doing any of the things I love to do or need to do, I am blowing off my chores and my responsibilities. I also think that I may be getting depressed. Then I waited for him to say anything at all.

The reason that I didn't do any work yesterday is because we made a promise to each other that we were going to spend the whole day together. This means no facebook, farmville, school, television, work, phonecalls, etc, etc. Just me and him, doing something that is anywhere but here. But it got to the point where this is all that we do anymore-he goes to work, he comes home and eats, on school nights he cooks, and then he showers, puts the kids to bed and goes to bed. I am online the majority of the day, and when I am not I have my head in my books. I stop every now and again to help my kids out with things, but I'm working. We don't talk anymore, and when we do, it is to holler to/at each other about how and why things aren't going our way today. We let it roll off to an extent, but as husband and wife-especially when you're as close to each other as we are-you cannot live your life like this. You also cannot talk to each other in this manner and then say "I love you," and all is forgiven. We know we love each other, but there has to be something there. So when I let it all out, and was done, he pulled the Blazer over nad gave me a huge hug.

He talked to me about some things that were stressing him out, too-things which I cannot divulge here, it was in confidence of course. And after that, things were immediately different. As we drove, the sky looked different and we talked about that. The cows were out at the farm down the street, and we stopped to pet them. We talked about my farm in Farmville, and what it would be like to have ourselves a real one. We talked and talked and talked, about everything and nothing, and had a blast. We went to the grocery store together for the first time in years-just the two of us-and then we went to my dad's house to get the kids from Mikki. When we got home, and because Mikki decided to stay at dad's house and the kids were sleeping, we still wound up staying up until after three am-talking more. It was the most amazing experience that I have had with Justin in so long, and I really needed it. I feel sane and whole again, like my batteries have been recharged and I can face anything again.

When he got into his accident, which I will go into detail about at a later date, I was the only one that stayed strong until he woke up from his coma. I felt like everynight, my husband was whispering in my ear telling me "Katie, I am ok, everything is going to be fine. I love you, I will never leave you. Just stay calm, relax, and give me soem time to heal." I would hear his voice every night before I fell asleep, and every morning when I woke up. As I sat as his bedside, I could feel his energy. I was 6 1/2 - 7 moths pregnant at the time, mind you-so I very well have been going crazy or something, but I prefer to see it as that we are just that close to each other. In the mess that is my every day life, I don't feel that connection often. It is important for me to have this so that I can feel like a human again, and not so much of a stressed-out robot.

So, I am going to close here. I am going to get a shower and get this make-up off of my face, and hopefully get rid of this lack-of-sleep headache so that I can get on my A & P project. I have Justin's favorite dinner waiting in the fridge to go in the oven, Tristen is getting the little things picked up so that I can do the other things like wash the dishes, vacuum, etc., and the girls are napping. I have found my balance and today, although the stressors have not changed (and maybe even gotten a little worse), my stress level is healthy and I am looking at things with a much more "can-do" type of attitude than before. I feel good.

~Katie~

*sigh*

One of the topics this week is "how is school influencing your life?" Well, if you really want to know...

So I literally had a meltdown over a project that was due last week in my honor's A & P class, because on top of it I wasn't understanding the material. I feel like every other question or paragraph contradicts itself, and I was struggling hard-core trying to figure it out-plus this project didn't have very clear instructions as to how to complete it. Now the end of next week brings with it the due date of another project, and I'm trying to behave. I am doing my project on the skeletal system, and this unit deals with the skeletal system, so I need to calm down, focus, and pay attention. Right. Ever since I started school, my husband was unemployed and although I was not just doing my own homework but also helping my son with his, I really had it easy. If I needed to go do my work, I just got up and did it. If I wanted to wake up early and do it first thing in the morning, I could but didn't have to. The whole day was mine. I have a 4.0 and I may have worked my butt off for it, but now that he's working all of the time, I've gone back to being a contortionist trying to get things done. I have to get up early, get Justin ready for work and Tristen ready for school, put Tristen on the bus, make the girls breakfast and play with them until Tristen gets home four hours later, make them all lunch, then shoo them into their room for a few hours to play and nap so that I can get my work done. Then they're up for a snack, we have to start dinner, and somewhere in there I must find time to clean the kitchen and get them to clean the living room and their rooms. I refuse to cook in a dirty kitchen, so I usually have a lot of work to do. By the time Justin gets home and we've eaten dinner, I feel like way too exhausted to do anything else, but Mondays I have class at ten and Thursdays I have class at eight, and then I find myself staying up until midnight or later trying to do notes and quizzes-either my own or assigned ones-and maybe catch up oin the discussion boards or something. This has led my discussion responses, especially in A & P, to sound unintelligent, rude, even way off topic on occasion. That's not who I am at all, so it has become especially discouraging to me.

Another thing is that Mikki, my sister, wants me to go out with her recently. She just got her car together and she's 18 (a full nine years younger than me), and she's wanting to go out and do things, but she always wants me to come with her. We are best friends, and she feels like my kids are just as importatn to her as they are to me. She's very responsible and level-headed, but she also needs me sometimes. I feel an overwhelming urge to be there for her always because of what a huge p.o.s. our mother is, but she isn't totally grasping that I am struggling with school right now and can't always-even on weekends-go and hang out like we used to. She'll thank me when, in a few years, I'm buying a house instead of renting an apartment or trailer, and there is either finally enough room for her or another guest-house -type thing there for her, so that she can still be here with us and have her freedom at the same time.

To round everything out, I feel like sometimes if I don't keep myself physically busy enough, I'm going to feel all my muscles and fascia and joints and the headaches...general pain all over my body that is relentless. I have gotten used to some of these pains but not all of them, and the ones in my back and shoulders and wrists present themselves while I am hunched over this computer doing all of this typing and searching. I've gained probably 15 pounds over the past several mmonths, and I am supposed to be losing weight not gaining it. I am desperately seeking suggestions as to how to accomplish everything I need to get done, but everyone in my family literally believes me to be a super-heroine that can absolutely do all of the chores, the cooking, take care of everyone's needs, go out and hang out with random high-school-aged kids at a ball game or party or other social event, spending time with my husband to keep our marriage together, and complete this degree with a 4.0-while keeping my sanity? Either I am going nuts or they are. I ask for help and they go "oh, you're doing fine, honey-don't worry about it." Yet they are the first people to come to me and ask where their favorite shirt is or why dinner isn't made yet, or "how come we can't go outside and play? We don't need anyone to watch us!" (they're six, 2, and 1!). I thought this post would only take five or so minutes, but it is now 10:02 am and I started at 8:43 am. I hear Dannen and Tristen going at it like wild animals, and it's ridiculous. Tristen has been home from school for the past several days because he has walking pneumonia and strep throat-something we wouldn't have known about until he started having problems with his teeth. His baby teeth-the two front ones on the bottom-are still there, not wiggling or anything-and his primary teeth have cut the gum. He tells us his teeth hurt, and I look and see this-a couple hours later, he's running a fever of 105.2 degrees F and so I thought they were abscessed or something. I had been trying the entire time to find a dentist that would accept both our insurance and someone his age, but no luck. So I called his doctor, and after examining him tells me that he has walking pneumonia. Jim Henson died from this, I remember clearly because that is what the doctor told us when my dad almost did. Then she runs a strp culture and finds out that he also has strep throat. This kid is never sick. Plus Dannen's MRDD/EIS specialist and Help Me Grow come over on a bi-weekly basis, and the other day they came over really early and I forgot they were coming, so the house was trashed and Dannen peed the bed, so she wreaked the entier time they were here. At least they were nice enough not to say anything, but I'm at a loss for words at this point. My husband was back here playing on the computer and I was trying to clean and talk to them, and I finally smelled her as soon as they were about to leave. I was absolutely embarrassed. But I had this class that night before, and I just felt brain dead that morning from being up all night. I am exhausted all the time, I feel like I am neglecting my kids and my chores, I don't get to do anything for myslef anymore, and I still feel like I'm behind with my schoolwork. That's how it's affecting my life right now.

At least I know that the reward, the carrot dangling in front of my face right now, Is worth it. No more being poor, no more staying at home and the days running together and not rememebring what month it is, no more being picked on by the Parent-Teacher Organization (yeah, it's the PTO here, not the PTA) for being so helpful last year, why can't I be this year? because my butt is going to be up in that hospital and working hard. We'll have a house and not have to live with my mother-in-law anymore, we'll be able to pay for the kids' school fees and we'll actually be able to pay a baby-sitter so that we can go out and do something together-me and Justin, me and Mikki, or just me. That is what keeps me going. If the kids need something, I can get it. If they want to have birthday presents, I can get it. I will be able to have a normal life, and that's what I am doing this for, so I guess I'm stressed but it is worth it. Still, it might be nice to have something to try and cut the stress back a little bit.

~Katie~