It's corny, I know-but it is Valentine's Day...

Hello all;

As I am writing this, I am back to the daily grind. I haven't had a minute for a shower or anything yet (I haven't had more than half of a turkey sandwich yet either, although I have been up since 7 am). I am still displaying the make-up on my face from last night, and the house is still a mess. But I am ok today, for the first time in a while.

Last night, Mikki did something really great for me by babysitting the kids for several hours while Justin and I "hung out." We ate at the Harrison Chipotle restaurant, we drove out to Colerain to the Half-Price Books store, where he bought us two CDs and I got Twighlight and New Moon (finally! and they were only $5 a piece!), and then we just drove around for awhile. We used to just drive, for hours sometimes, just the two of us driving around together for no other reason than "just because." We used to do a lot of things, driving being one of them. I used to get cabin fever if I didn't just "get out" and do something after a few hours or so. But ever since we had the kids, it's been different. And now, since Justin has gone back to work, I have been going to school, and we have such conflicting schedules with the kids-well, it's hard to deal with. We have not really had any sort of conversation in weeks that had any substance. We desperately needed a day to ourselves to spend some quality time together, but it's hopeless.

So we go out last night, and we both are silent for a good, long time. We both have tons of things to talk about, but where to begin? So I tell him, after about an hour of silence, "I know we have things to talk about, Justin! Why aren't we?" But I knew the answer very well.

We ground each other. We are and always have been best friends first, everything else second. And it turns out that we are both under so very much stress right now, and all we were going to wind up doing was causing each other more stress than what we needed to deal with. This was supposed to be a fun day for just the two of us, so why ruin it? That was our mentality. But the problem with that is that we didn't have anything else to talk about! So he asks the dreaded question: "Ok, well, how's school going, Katie? Tell me about it." *Sigh*

So I let loose about all of the things that are right now preventing me from being the 4.0 student that I have been since I started here. I explained to him about how the kids are driving me mad, about how I have no study time anymore, about how I miss him, and the stupid crap that his mother has been pulling on me (which I will save for my next post, there is no room for this here) and that all of this stress has been adding up to the point where if I crack open my book, I pass out. If I get to a point in which I start to understand something, or that I am in the middle of letting the information flow from my brain and into my writing project for my A & P class, I am severely interrupted. I am a wreck, and I am desperate for things to change. I am having such a hard time right now, and I don't know what to do. I am almost crying at this point, too, and I know he can tell that there is a major problem. But he doesn't speak, he just lets me do it. So I go on to talk about how he's my rock, he grounds me, and that because I have been having so many problems recently, coupled with my inability to interact with him on ANY level recently, I am falling apart right now. I am not taking calls anymore, I am not replying to emails or instant messages or anything. I am not doing any of the things I love to do or need to do, I am blowing off my chores and my responsibilities. I also think that I may be getting depressed. Then I waited for him to say anything at all.

The reason that I didn't do any work yesterday is because we made a promise to each other that we were going to spend the whole day together. This means no facebook, farmville, school, television, work, phonecalls, etc, etc. Just me and him, doing something that is anywhere but here. But it got to the point where this is all that we do anymore-he goes to work, he comes home and eats, on school nights he cooks, and then he showers, puts the kids to bed and goes to bed. I am online the majority of the day, and when I am not I have my head in my books. I stop every now and again to help my kids out with things, but I'm working. We don't talk anymore, and when we do, it is to holler to/at each other about how and why things aren't going our way today. We let it roll off to an extent, but as husband and wife-especially when you're as close to each other as we are-you cannot live your life like this. You also cannot talk to each other in this manner and then say "I love you," and all is forgiven. We know we love each other, but there has to be something there. So when I let it all out, and was done, he pulled the Blazer over nad gave me a huge hug.

He talked to me about some things that were stressing him out, too-things which I cannot divulge here, it was in confidence of course. And after that, things were immediately different. As we drove, the sky looked different and we talked about that. The cows were out at the farm down the street, and we stopped to pet them. We talked about my farm in Farmville, and what it would be like to have ourselves a real one. We talked and talked and talked, about everything and nothing, and had a blast. We went to the grocery store together for the first time in years-just the two of us-and then we went to my dad's house to get the kids from Mikki. When we got home, and because Mikki decided to stay at dad's house and the kids were sleeping, we still wound up staying up until after three am-talking more. It was the most amazing experience that I have had with Justin in so long, and I really needed it. I feel sane and whole again, like my batteries have been recharged and I can face anything again.

When he got into his accident, which I will go into detail about at a later date, I was the only one that stayed strong until he woke up from his coma. I felt like everynight, my husband was whispering in my ear telling me "Katie, I am ok, everything is going to be fine. I love you, I will never leave you. Just stay calm, relax, and give me soem time to heal." I would hear his voice every night before I fell asleep, and every morning when I woke up. As I sat as his bedside, I could feel his energy. I was 6 1/2 - 7 moths pregnant at the time, mind you-so I very well have been going crazy or something, but I prefer to see it as that we are just that close to each other. In the mess that is my every day life, I don't feel that connection often. It is important for me to have this so that I can feel like a human again, and not so much of a stressed-out robot.

So, I am going to close here. I am going to get a shower and get this make-up off of my face, and hopefully get rid of this lack-of-sleep headache so that I can get on my A & P project. I have Justin's favorite dinner waiting in the fridge to go in the oven, Tristen is getting the little things picked up so that I can do the other things like wash the dishes, vacuum, etc., and the girls are napping. I have found my balance and today, although the stressors have not changed (and maybe even gotten a little worse), my stress level is healthy and I am looking at things with a much more "can-do" type of attitude than before. I feel good.

~Katie~